Starting Again
by Lunabeegood
Summary: Trip and T'Pol have not been together romantically for a couple of years after Elizabeth's death and Trip is considering moving on. He needs to talk with T'Pol about their bond. Angsty but with a happy ending.


**Author's Note: It's a Trip/T'Pol story but one about their time after Elizabeth's death when they were no longer together. It deals with the bond and Trip trying to move on with someone else. It also has a happy ending, so don't panic through the angst.**

 **XXX**

Eleven steps. Trip Tucker stood right outside his quarters and looked to the right. He needed to talk with T'Pol but it was the last thing he wanted to do right now. He took a deep breath and rubbed at his temple; this was going to leave the two of them with a headache tonight.

It had been three years since they'd lost Elizabeth. Two and a half years since they ended their romantic relationship. Two years since the bond had started to weaken and five months since he'd felt anything over the bond. He knew that things had weakened on her end as well but needed to know if her…connection to him had stopped. She said it would take somewhere between two and fours years before the bond would be non-existent he could "get on with his life."

Eleven steps. He'd thought about that line for two and a half years—"get on with your life". She had not wanted to be with him any longer; the complexities of a human-Vulcan relationship were too much. So, she had hoped staying just friends would allow the bond to naturally fade. Her plan had worked.

It had been difficult at first, they were awkward around each other, he still reached out and touched her occasionally which sent a jolt through the bond. She looked at him longingly sometimes or said something intimate when it was just the two of them and it had caused him to hope, many times, that things may still work out between them. They had not.

Eleven steps. He finally turned to the right and took one step after another until, on the eleventh step, he landed square in front of her door. A door he hadn't walked through in almost two years. A door he'd naturally avoided whenever he was going to his quarters, walking a little further to come to his quarters from the other side seemed a small price to pay.

Trip Tucker reached for the comm panel and buzzed into her quarters.

"Come in," she called from inside.

He sighed, gathered his resolve and stepped inside once the door opened.

"I'm sorry to disturb you," Trip said as he walked further into her room.

It had changed in the two years since he'd last been inside. She had framed art on her walls now; pictures of Vulcan, Earth, star systems and even one of Elizabeth. Trip found himself drawn to the picture of Elizabeth; it was a detailed sketch that captured their little girl perfectly.

"Who…where'd you get this?" Trip asked.

T'Pol walked to stand next to him, the book she had been reading left abandoned on her bed.

"You insisted we take photographs," she said softly. "And I was grateful for that when I contacted an artist the last time we were docked. He drew a sketch of Elizabeth based on the photographs you took."

Trip looked at her surprised. "You didn't tell me. I'd like to get a copy of this, if you're okay with that."

T'Pol left his side and walked over to her desk where she pulled out a thick file and rifled through it until she produced a stiff brown envelope. She placed the file down on the desk and walked toward him with the envelope in her outstretched hand.

Trip looked at her confused and then opened the envelope. Inside was another sketch of Elizabeth.

"For you," T'Pol said.

"T'Pol," Trip sighed as he looked between her and the picture. "Thank you."

T'Pol nodded and looked down at the picture; it was slightly different then the one on her wall.

"Why didn't you tell me about this? We were on Earth almost four months ago," Trip looked at her confused.

"You hadn't mentioned Elizabeth for two months, ten days before I commissioned the artwork and I thought the presentation of the picture might…upset you," T'Pol confessed.

"Oh," Trip said as he placed the picture back in the envelope and looked at her more fully. "I think about her each and every day…I guess I just stopped talking about her."

"I've read that is common," T'Pol said softly.

"Read?" Trip asked.

"I purchased several books on dealing with grief the first time we were on Earth after Elizabeth's death," T'Pol said. "I offered them to you as well but…"

"I didn't think I needed them," Trip sighed. "Probably could have used them."

She said nothing in return; he had needed them.

"How can I help you?" T'Pol finally asked.

"I, uh, wanted to speak with you about something…something kinda personal," Trip said as he gestured for her to have a seat on her bed.

He sat down on her desk chair and leaned heavily on his knees.

"You know that I've been spending some time with Natasha," Trip started.

"Dr. Doyle? The xeno-biologist Starfleet placed on our ship at our last earth dock to run experiments for…"

"Yes, Natasha," Trip gritted his teeth as he rubbed his hands together.

"I'm familiar with her, and your close friendship," T'Pol stated. "You have attended six of the last twelve movie nights together since she arrived on the ship."

"Keeping stats are you?" Trip asked.

"I'm merely observant," T'Pol noted.

Trip sat back in her chair and counted to twenty before he spoke again. He looked at the file on her desk and saw a page sticking out of the side; there was something familiar about the words…

"You wanted to talk with me about your growing desire to mate with her?" T'Pol asked, pulling him from his investigation.

Trip's head snapped up and he met her eyes.

"T'Pol…" Trip sighed.

"You have been celibate since that one incident on Risa Three almost two years ago," T'Pol said not wavering her gaze. "To my knowledge."

"I told you I was sorry about that," Trip said honestly.

A few months after they had parted ways, he had decided to bury his feelings in the bottom of several bottles of Triglop Liquor while on leave on Risa Three. He had little memory of most of that night, but had come to consciousness as a Risan woman was orally pleasuring him in a room he couldn't remember walking into. Before he could get his bearings and stop the act, his body had released and she was coughing on the floor in front of him apparently unaware of what completion in a human male meant. Then he apologized, threw up, passed out again, woke up and managed to get his sorry ass on the next shuttle to Enterprise, in that order. What he found when he returned to Enterprise with a churning stomach and a blazing headache was one very angry and sick Vulcan. Apparently, the level of alcohol he had consumed had affected her as well, and the sexual activity…well it had also been apparent across the bond. He remembered that embarrassing conversation also…

" _I'm sorry," were the first words out of this mouth as he carefully walked down the brightly lit hallway toward the turbolift._

" _We are still bound," T'Pol noted once the doors shut._

" _It was accidental," Trip sighed as he leaned heavily against the wall. "And we aren't together anymore, remember? You made that perfectly clear."_

" _How can consensual sexual activity with a female be considered accidental?" T'Pol asked with a raised voice._

" _It wasn't actually consensual," Trip mumbled as he covered his eyes._

" _You were sexually assaulted?!" T'Pol asked alarmed. "We should go to SickBay."_

 _Trip sighed. "I was so out of my skull, I didn't realize she was…"_

" _She was?"_

" _Giving me a…" Trip looked at her with raised eyebrows as he gestured toward his genitals._

" _She was orally gratifying you?" T'Pol asked as the doors to the turbolift opened onto the floor where both their quarters were housed._

" _Uh, yes," Trip sighed. "Until it was too late. You knew about that?"_

" _Clearly," T'Pol said annoyed. "Please warn me next time you plan on engaging in any sort of sexual activity with strangers or…anyone, so I can prepare myself."_

" _Great," Trip sighed as they walked to his quarters side by side._

" _Is there a problem?" T'Pol asked, annoyed._

" _It's just that you don't want anything to do with me, you want me to move on with my life, but because of this god damned bond we share, I have to get permission from my ex-girlfriend before I can…"_

" _Not permission," she corrected him with a hiss. "It would just be best if I knew ahead of the act."_

" _Got it," Trip said with a nod before he hit the button to open the door to his quarters and walked inside without a backwards glance._

"All I'm saying is that with your history of sexual activity, your celibacy over the last two and a half years has been…surprising," T'Pol noted. "The fact that you want to resume sexual activity with another, and not merely satisfy yourself regularly…"

"I'm sorry?" Trip asked, surprised.

"Don't worry, I stopped seeing what you were picturing when you masturbated almost a year ago," T'Pol said calmly.

"You could see?" Trip asked as his eyebrows almost shot into his hairline.

"It was mostly me," T'Pol noted dryly. "Although your imagination is quite…inventive."

"Jesus Christ," Trip mumbled as he dropped his head into his hands.

T'Pol sat and watched him come to terms with the very personal revelation.

"And now?" Trip finally asked.

"Now, I barely feel you," T'Pol said softly, regretfully.

"Barely?"

"When you get…aroused, or incredibly happy, or deeply sad, anger…"

"So, not so barely?"

"Only when the emotions are strong," T'Pol explained. "I'm assuming sexual relations after this period of celibacy and with a woman you are attracted to will evoke strong emotions?"

"I imagine they would," Trip said as he turned to look out her window.

"Now that I am prepared, there shouldn't be an issue," T'Pol explained.

"Yeah, there shouldn't be," Trip sighed as he continued to look out her window.

"Was there something else?" T'Pol asked.

Trip just sat and looked out the window not saying anything.

T'Pol sensed a strong emotion of regret through their bond suddenly.

They sat in silence for a long time before he finally spoke.

"Was there something I could have said or did? Something I shouldn't have said or did?" Trip asked softly, still not looking at her.

"A relationship between a human and a Vulcan is illogical and fraught with…discontent," T'Pol said softly. "It was smart to stop when we did so you have an opportunity to have other…relationships."

"Is that what you want? A nice Vulcan boyfriend?" Trip asked as he turned slightly to face her desk.

"What I want is incon…"

"What do you want T'Pol? A new, more logical mate?" Trip asked.

She sat for a long time saying nothing, he looked at the folder again and the few words he could see sticking out of the side, it was familiar, but he wasn't sure how.

"I have decided to be alone," T'Pol said quietly. "It is…easier."

"Easier to be alone all the time? To not have someone to share things with? To not have physical companionship?" Trip asked, confused as he read the words on the page and tried to stay with the conversation.

"As I said, easier," T'Pol said as she watched him looking at her desk. It was then that she realized the file was still sitting on the desk and he was looking at it intently.

T'Pol rose from her spot on the bed and walked toward the desk reaching for the file but his hand snapped down on top of it before she could grasp it.

"Commander," T'Pol said as she pulled at the file.

"T'Pol," Trip said as he met her eyes.

"Please release the file," T'Pol said through gritted teeth.

"Now, if this file is about what I think it's about," Trip smiled up at her. "Then I think I'm entitled to look at it."

"It's my personal…"

"You saw what I was thinking about when I was…" Trip stopped and raised his eyebrows knowingly.

"Not by choice," T'Pol said, annoyed.

"I think I should be able to read this file," Trip said with some force.

They looked at each other, locked in their fight but saying nothing. Finally, she released the file.

"Fine, it's insignificant anyways," T'Pol said.

Trip flipped open the top of the file and immediately saw the first email he'd sent her. He watched as T'Pol walked to the window and looked outside.

He then flipped through the pages and saw emails and notes they had sent each other, a pressed flower he thought looked familiar, a necklace he had picked up for her, his mother's pearl bracelet, some personal notes and thoughts she had about him, the story of Elizabeth, and a detailed account of his masturbation dreams and finally a set of sketches of Elizabeth, him and T'Pol. It took him to better part of a half hour to merely glance at the contents, he hardly read a thing. She was thorough in her collection.

"You wrote them…my personal thoughts and images when I was…you filed them?" He asked her as he looked toward her.

"I was merely documenting…"

"You are keeping our relationship in a file," Trip said as he turned to stand next to her. "The sketches of us as a family…our relationship."

"Not our relationship," T'Pol said softly. "A remembrance of it."

"Why?" He asked.

T'Pol didn't answer him.

"T'Pol?" He asked as he touched her arm.

"I…I can't logically explain it," T'Pol said softly.

"Try to anyways," he said as he watched her face go to war with itself.

"My relationship with you was…challenging, but also fulfilling," T'Pol said softly. "And, as I have decided to not enter another relationship, it will be the only relationship I will ever have."

Trip swallowed hard and closed his eyes.

"I have told you on several occasions that humans are the fortunate ones," T'Pol said as she looked away from the window and him. "You are able to…move on."

"You haven't?" Trip asked, surprised.

She shook her head in the negative.

"But T'Pol you wanted…"

"Coming to a logical conclusion," T'Pol explained. "And living with it, are two separate notions."

"T'Pol, can you abandon all logic for a moment and tell me what, exactly, we've been doing these last couple of years?" Trip asked her as he leaned into her and gently dropped his forehead to the top of her head.

They stood in silence for a long time.

"I don't know," T'Pol finally relented.

"Can you elaborate?" Trip asked.

She turned to face him.

"I thought, logically, what I was doing…"

"Wait, you're abandoning all logic and just talking to me, remember?" Trip reminded her.

She closed her eyes. "I still have feelings for you. Deep feelings."

Trip swallowed hard.

"They are illog…they have not gone away in the time that we have spent as friends these last few years and…and I have found it incredibly difficult to handle the distance and your budding relationship with Dr Doyle"

"You've said nothing," he said confused.

"I felt it was unfair to tell you," T'Pol said softly. "I have not been terribly…good with this relationship from the start and I fear I have hurt you a great deal. Starting with you again would have opened the door for more pain. I want to never cause you pain again."

"You think that I want to cause you any pain?" He asked, his voice thick with emotion.

"No," she relented. "But you are fond of Dr Doyle. I am sure she is a better match for you."

"Why don't you let me make that decision?" He asked annoyed. "So, your experiment with letting me go for both our sakes is a bust, is that what your telling me?"

"I think we should forget most of this conversation happened," T'Pol said as she stepped away from him and reached for the file. "It's not fair to Natasha or to you."

"What's not fair to me is cutting me lose the way you did when you knew you still loved me and that I still loved you," Trip said as he pulled the file forcefully from her hands.

"I am no good for you," T'Pol said as she tried to pull the file back.

"So, you're just going to spend the rest of your days alone, reading old e-mails and my sexual fantasies and looking at pictures of our daughter?" Trip asked as he pulled the file back. "When you could have me in your life, real and present and willing to try?"

"You're a fool if you are willing to risk your heart on me again," T'Pol said honestly.

"I've always been a fool when it comes to you," Trip admitted as he stepped toward her. "A fool who still loves you, but was willing to move forward without you, because there was no hope."

"You still have feelings for me?" T'Pol asked.

"I am still in love with you," Trip clarified.

"But Natasha…" T'Pol looked at him confused.

"She's an interesting woman and a good friend and attractive," Trip said. "On a deep space mission after a couple of years of celibacy, it seemed…easy."

"I don't…"

"T'Pol my feelings for you are once in a lifetime, but if I had to, I would find someone else that I could love and spend my life with, but it would never be like you and me," he said; leaning into her slightly. "Nothing is like us."

T'Pol swallowed hard and kissed him softly on the lips.

"I promise I will treasure your heart if we can try again," T'Pol said in a whisper. "I am yours Trip."

He smiled down at her and kissed her soundly; it had taken them three years, some embarrassment and a file folder to get them here; he wasn't going to ever let anything take that away.


End file.
